Catherine's Journal by Nancy Curles September 10, 1989 When we were together--the night you were so upset--I never would have thought my presence could be so calming. Although nothing was said between us, being together was all that mattered. I can still remember Father warning me not to go to you; he actually feared for my safety. However, I was determined to find you-- no matter what. As I think back on it now, what I feared most was the possibility of our never being together again. That fear was more real to me than the knowledge of what could harm me. As I think about it, I am happier now that I chose to stay with you that night. I think it showed you that wherever you attempt to go, in some way I will be there too. You say our bond has disappeared; I just believe it has taken on another form which you haven't yet experienced. Therefore, you cannot detect it as you did before...although it is still there. How do I tell you that I'm expecting our child?! I know it'll be hard to get used to and Father may object at first but I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep myself and our baby safe. I'll be willing to move Below if it would be easier on you. Sooner or later Father will come around. That night a few weeks ago he should have realized that I wasn't going to leave you alone in your distressed state. I couldn't imagine what your reaction to my wonderful news would be. I had a hard time deciding when the proper time and place should be for me to share my news with you. I needed for us to be alone so we could openly discuss our feelings without being interrupted by one of the children. The Mirror Pool was the perfect place for me to tell you my secret. It has always been a special place for us to go and share our feelings with each other. I don't know why I was so worried about how you would react to my news. Honestly, I am surprised you did not sense anything through our bond. I should have known everything would turn out all right. The way your eyes shone as you hugged me gave me the courage I needed to face Father with our good news. Please understand that I am very happy with this situation. I've started thinking of names for the baby. Actually there is only one name: Jacob. I know it will be a boy--don't ask me to explain it because I can't. I also cannot think of another name which will be more appropriate than Jacob. I am sure Father will be pleased that I want this child to be named after him, and to have both you and him as role models; people to look up to as he is growing up in the tunnels. I want to begin helping you and Mary teach the children so our son can have both of his parents teaching him the important things in life. My job Above? I haven't thought a lot about that yet. Eventually I will need to talk with Joe about it. Who knows? It may be possible for me to work part time, giving me more time to spend with you and the baby. Hopefully, Joe will understand. He already realizes that I have someone who is of great importance to me in my life. I am confident that he will work with me on this--it will just take some time. I've been trying to talk to Nancy for the past few weeks, but with our busy schedules we are continually missing each other. I am looking forward to talking through my feelings with her--especially those feelings which are related to the pregnancy. This being my first pregnancy I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be doing or not doing. Yes, I know, you keep telling me to take it easy and not move around so fast, but if I slow down my pace much more I'll go crazy. I enjoy spending time with you at the Mirror Pool, reading practically everything we can get our hands on from Shakespeare and Dickens to Browning and Faulkner. I am confident that our son will be a scholar--just from the amount of reading we have done prior to his birth. I feel more at peace when I am reading quietly because I am doing something helpful for our child also. I've been wondering--what will our child look like? I realize that both you and Father are concerned, but appearance does not trouble me. I promise you I will love our child, no matter what, with the same unconditional love that I have for you. Since the day we met,you have always been there for me. . .and I am sure that you will also be there for our child. I can sense your concern; you believe that you could unintentionally harm either me or our baby as you protect us. I don't think so--not when you continue to put us above what you need or want at all times. I can understand your fear of what our child's appearance will be. You seem to think if our child looks like you that I will turn away from you and our baby. That concept could not be any further from the truth. Don't you realize that my having your child, together with our relationship, is the most important thing in my life? It doesn't frighten me that our child might have some of your characteristics and personality. In fact...I know I would be PROUD if our child resembled his father in any small way. Of course I would have to relocated down here Below for some time; but who knows--maybe after the normal "maternity" leave I could go back to work Above. I am sure that with all the children and the care that goes on Below, our child will stay safe while I am working Above. These past several months have been very difficult for me, not really knowing how Father would take the news of my being pregnant with your child. Not to mention, my case load at work is becoming more and more strenuous. Through all of this you have faithfully given me the support of your strength. Lately, I have been getting very emotional when I think about what will happen once the baby is born. The responsibilities involved in caring for a child can be quite complicated. It is more than physical needs that must be considered--we are also responsible for moral values--right and wrong. How do I balance the responsibilities of caring for a child with the everyday pressures of my stressful job at the District Attorney's office? For a start I need to be concerned with how my job affects my health now that I am pregnant; I should be more in tune with what is happening to my body. I am sure that everything will take care of itself. It's just difficult for me not to worry. How will everyone adjust to my having your child, Vincent? So far I feel okay with everything that's been happening. I just hope Father continues to understand us and support us in our decision to have our child and raise him Below with the other children. I wouldn't want Jacob to feel out of place while he is growing up. Not many children have parents of the two different worlds Above and Below. What a wonderful legacy of love we will give to him, Vincent! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ About the Author Nancy Curles has enjoyed watching the show since it was first aired although she did not find BATB fandom until January of 1993. She's written a few short stories and/or poems. To date, she have also written a digest sized zine. Nancy is active in the Dreamseekers club. You can email Nancy at firstname.lastname@example.org.